Because I, like many women in my position (married, happy, ridiculously hot) am constantly surrounded by those of you who are single or dating, I feel the need to comment on the plethora of stupid things you're doing in the name of love. Now, I do not pretend to be the expert on matters of the heart, but I have picked up a few things along the way. So listen up, and listen good.
I should also mention these are my opinions only. I do not, nor have I at any time, possessed a degree in psychology. Use at your own risk.
1. Under no circumstances, at any time, for any reason, should you talk about your former escapades with future prospects. This is also applicable in reverse. Trust me when I tell you that your new boyfriend doesn't want to hear about the guys you dated last summer in your "Summer of (insert your name here)" stage. And trust me even more that the guy who follows you around like a puppy even after you broke up 3 months ago doesn't want to hear about the hunky new prospect you took home with you last night. Be a lady, and ladies don't kiss and tell, ever.
2. Listen. Trendy clothes are cute. They are. I like them (even though I can't figure out to wear them.) I think it's great to dress up and look foxy. But there are some things you should keep in mind when wearing "trendy" outfits. Trendy...doesn't mean slutty. If your ass is showing, your boobs are popping out, and you look roughly like a thirteen year old hooker runaway...you don't look hot, you look like crap. Sure you'll probably make out with someone and maybe even go home with them. And then you'll promptly turn into the girl they text at 11 p.m. on a Wednesday night when there is no chance you could meet anyone and be mistaken for their girlfriend. Everyone knows what's under those jeans, you don't have to show them. Keep it classy.
3. If a guy you're talking to just wants to be friends, guess what, he just wants to be friends. And no matter how much makeup you wear to watch the game at his house, and how short your skirt gets, and how much you flirt with his cute room mate.... He. Just. Wants. To. Be. Friends. That being said, there is a good chance he'll still sleep with you. Keep in mind this does not void the fact that he prefaced your romp with "Let's just be friends" In fact, you've now just made yourself the perfect girl not to date. Not only does he not have to buy you flowers or listen to your bitching about how bloated you are, you'll have sex with him. Score. Do what you will with it.
4. I will tell you right now this pains me to say. Listen to your Dad, because he was a guy, and he DOES know. The truth is, your Dad is a heck of a lot better at deciphering what that boy meant when he said "Maybe we can hang out sometime." then any other person you know. This also means when you're Dad says, "he's only after one thing!" He's only after one thing. This is also applicable to your brother, your cousin, your uncle, and any other dude who offers advice. I would hate for you to turn into that girl who says she should've known. Because you did know, you just chose not to listen.
5. If a guy "doesn't want a girlfriend right now," that means 1 of 2 things. Option A. He doesn't want YOU as a girlfriend right now. Or, Option B, He doesn't want YOU as a girlfriend right now. That's right. Suck it up. Wipe those tears. Get over it.
Alright, that's all for this installment. Look for the next installment soon, in which I address that obnoxious baby voice he hates and the various ways he tries to avoid snuggling with you after you've fallen asleep.
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