These jokes are making me uncomfortable...

I haven't written in a long time. Maybe because life gets busy and full of things you don't expect, and maybe because I've sat in front of the computer staring at the keyboard not quite knowing how or what I will write. Probably a little bit of both.

I wanted to be able to package everything that's gone on in the last month in this neat little way that made it cohesive and surmountable. But there isn't any way to do that. And, eventually, none of it matters anyways.

I want to say that something profound has happened, that made me grow up and wake up and decide what direction my life is going to take. But that would be a lie. Not about things happening. After all, profound things are always happening, aren't they? But about the growing up, waking up, direction part. Maybe the profound thing that happened was me realizing I had nothing left I wanted to or could change. Well, that's not really true. I am changed, but it was like a shock of cold water, and now I'm warming up again.

So I'm almost thirty, and I'm still afraid of the noises a house makes at night. I still daydream about winning the lottery. I still try to run as fast as I can when nobody is around and I'm out walking the dog late at night. I like to skip, I like to chew gum, and I sleep with a light on.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm not particularly concerned about figuring it out. My feelings still get hurt if someone calls me names. I don't like to sleep because I think something fun is happening while I am. I look into doorways and windows out of the corner of my eyes so I can catch something magical that might disappear if I look directly, And there are days I look in the mirror and make faces at my reflection...like, mostly every day.

Does that make me immature? Probably. But I've started to realize that something happened to the people around me that made them grow up, and that's great, they pay bills on time, they feed and clothe themselves, they make sensible decisions about what it is they're going to do on Friday night. But that's not me. I eat peanut butter out of the jar and I dip popsicles in whip cream. Sometimes I jump over the cracks in the sidewalk for good luck. I like cartoons. I still read comic books. I like to ride bikes, and go on roller coasters, and try new things just for the sake of the adventure.

So maybe I'm a child stuck in a grown ups body, and maybe that won't ever change, but that's okay. Part of being a kid means you're not real worried about what is or isn't going to happen. You're more concerned with how funny your names sounds when you say it really slowly over and over again.

Alright, I admit, being a grown up has it's perks. But if that means I have to stop being amazed at every sunrise, stop thinking jumping in puddles is fun, and start wearing trouser socks, no thank you. I'm still too busy living my life to start letting it pass me by.